reflections...

I have probably drank too much Early Times tonight to express myself without embarrassment, but I have had too much Early Times to care.  I was drinking in my kitchen with the loves of my life tonight and now I am feeling very nostalgic and reflective.  There have been many occurances good and tragic that have led me to this point of my life and I have pledged to myself that I would never forget them and never ever take anything this life has to offer for granted, but more and more as I let credit card debt and life in general beat me down I lose track of the things that are of upmost importance to me.  It seems I have to try harder and harder to keep perspective in my life.  The everyday of life seems to get to me more and more and I seem to be losing my ability to stay above it all.  Traffic, money, debt, and the realities of life are affecting me more and more, and I am struggling to "keep my tips pointed downhill".  I think that reflections like this are a treasure that should be taken in for what they are worth to keep one's mind on the right track.  I have so much love in my heart for the people and the passions of my life that I want to spend all of my time making sure that it is given the proper appreciation.  However, I know that no matter how hard I try I cannot tell everyone how much they mean to me and how much I would miss them if I was gone.  You see, I have always felt in my heart that I would die young and I feel so much responsibility to tell those that I love that I do so.  Then I come to the conclusions that no matter how much I try it will never be sufficient.  It pains me so much to think of the people that would be left to cope with my own passing, but I hope that they all know that I do love them so much and I have done all of the irresponsible things I do in their names.  I believe in living as much life as I can in my short time here that the people that remember me will do things that never thought they could because of me.  Because it is the people that graced me with the presence their short lives that have inspired me to do things I never imagined.  So many have inspired my path thus far, and I can never thank them in this life for it.  Perhaps one day I will get that chance, but for now all I can do is tell those that are still with me that I live my life in a reflection of their love.  I look back at all of the epics of my time and I am so thankful for them.  I feel like I have had more luck than most in my life, but I also feel like I have appreciated everything more than most.  Today I was in a local mall watching the masses move about making material statements of individualism, and it made me wonder if anyone else takes the time to look around at all of the madness of american life and come to the same realizations that I do.  None of that bullshit really matters.  Buy one get one half off is the not the end of the rainbow.  There is so much more to this existence that is so beautiful and worthy of lengthly reflection and appreciation.  So I guess that as I harness my whisky buzz and love of mellonchally music that maybe someone else is taking a step back and taking stock in their lives to come to similar conclusions that life is so short and so magnificent that the things that make my hair grey are not as important as once thought.  I once told my father that life is all about trade offs, and he took it to heart.  In reflection it may have been more prophetic than I originally thought because the more time I spend chasing the dreams and aspirations of my own life the more I realize how much I am missing in the lives of those I love most.  So I feel a responsibility to make sure to that I express my gratitude to those that keep me in their prayers.  There are many of them and I don't think I will ever be able to thank them enough, but I am doing my best.  So to all of you that have willed my safety to this point, I thank you and I love you.  Lord knows I have tested the limits of human existence more than most and am still living to speak of the glory of it all.  The older I get the more I realize the selfishness and irresponsibility of my lifestyle, but still I pursue these endeavors with more vigor then ever and I am not regretful but thankful for the opportunity and courage to do so.  Many people tell me that they envy my life's situation and I often doubt that they would face the dangers that I do on a daily basis throughout a winter season and still pursue it the way that I have.  Maybe I am a fool, but maybe I am an inspiration to someone and that one person is enough for me to justify the risks that I take day to day.  I love this life, and I love everyone that has inspired it and made it possible.  Everything in my life has led me to this point and therefore I have no regrets.  I want to lead my life not in fear of death, but in realization that death is the only thing in this life that is unavoidable.  So I had better make the most of this existence.  Everyone has a different definition of what that means but I think what is important is that no matter what that definition is one should pursue it with reckless abandon.  No one ever wished for more money or material on their death bed.  I want to be able to appreciate my life in every moment.  After all it is this moment, only this moment that is real and we should embrace it and try to live it to it's fullest extent.  The past and the future are only memories and aspirations.  The moment is the only reality and that is not something that I want to waste.  I could go on for decades on this subject, but I think that instead I will take some time right now the take in the feelings I am embracing and sharing at this moment because after all, soon they will only be memories.